"OPEN" For Business.

Christian Owner of "OPEN", Norwich's self-styled religious youth fun camp, has at long last decided that trying to help out the youth of Norwich is a waste of time; and so is religion.. "Christian Owner", Christian Owner (his actual name is Christian Owner!), had this to say: "Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking, with all that religious stuff, and trying to help the kids an' that. I feel like a right charlie now, I can tell ya! I'm down ta me last million quid, and then I'm gonna 'ave ta go back ta floggin' secondhand cars dahn by the ringroad.."

Mr Owner also had this to say: "Well, I took a few classes in Hypnotism, and I've been tryin' ta make everyone forget that OPEN was ever an under-18s based, strictly non-alcoholic, christianity-pushin' yoof centre. So now what we're doin' is sellin' booze, an' puttin' on gigs that are strictly Over-18s only. Anyfin' to stop those fackin' kids getting back into the building! They were a  pain in the jaxy, I can tell ya! No respect! Many's a time I 'ad to give one a them a thack rand the earole! Little cants!"


We asked Mr Owner how he intended to make the venue a success, without being able to rely on the millions of pounds of youth grants & weekly religious collections, that the place had previously relied on. He replied "well, we've fand that if we put people on the "guestlist", but still charge them £3 to get in, then we can fool all the local music scene idiots into feelin' special, but we're basically chargin' them almost what they would've paid to get into a similar gig at any other local venue!"

He went on: "That's where the real money is. Trickin' people. It's workin' a treat. I've also been hypnotisin' them once they're inside, so that they spend more at our "soul-less Travelodge-Reception-esque bar". What I've been doin' is, I get the sand engineer to crank up the bassdrum WAY louder than it needs to be, an' once people are confused and distracted by the throbbin' in their gut, I then get 'em ta play subliminal messages through the PA system, and through speakers hidden in the toilets. It's working a treat sofar!"

Well, we here at Norwich Music Rumours Uncovered are going to be supporting the new venue wholeheartedly, as anything is better than nothing; and we urge you to do the same thing. Praise The Lord!