On a recent world tour of the Czech Republic, Norwich's premier carnie outfit "The Cakes & The Ales" were robbed by REAL gypsies. The band/circus-troupe were robbed of their dignity, sense-of-humour, Jaspers front teeth, and their lucky Faberge Egg collection.
Lady & Gents, our thoughts are with you (like The Force). Keep on truckin'!

NEWS FLASH! - We are sad to announce the Death of Death of Death of Discotheque. We are struggling to work out whether this means disco is finally dead, or back from the grave, or back from the grave and then dead again.. Answers on a postman to the usual address.

Hello Bear, semi-fatalists in this yeah's "Next Biggest Things" complimation, tolded us that them "is lovin' it!" their Universally Corses, at other places, like Brighten, for a sample. And also New Carsel mose probly..  Miss! I need a go spud-spud..!
(Editor's Note: This was the first in our "Touched By A Child" series of posts, written by primary school students. This first post was written by young Christopher Lozenge, from A New Hope Primary School, in the North-Norfolk village of Sodding Tuesbury.)

The Brownies, Norwich's most rockin' all-girl equal-rights band, this week announced the opening of the first of a chain of Drop-In Centres, for "wayward rock chicks". We spoke to the mothers of Sophie, Maxie, Stevie, and Mikie, and all of them said in unison "bad girl! dirty girl! in your bed!". The whole band is now grounded for a month, and have re-scheduled the opening until playtime..

Norwich's premier squat/venue "The Marquee" recently lost their three Michelin stars. It turns out that they got them by accident. They were meant to get three "Mitch Lynne Scars", which is an award given out by "The UK Bare-Knuckle Underground Fighting Federation Association Organisation Club Of Great Britain".
When we asked Mitch Lynne, head of "The UK Bare-Knuckle Underground Fighting Federation Association Organisation Club Of Great Britain", to tell us more about "The UK Bare-Knuckle Underground Fighting Federation Association Organisation Club Of Great Britain", he said "the first rule of "The UK Bare-Knuckle Underground Fighting Federation Association Organisation Club Of Great Britain", is you don't talk about "The UK Bare-Knuckle Underground Fighting Federation Association Organisation Club Of Great Britain"!"
But after half a shandy he said "oh, go on then", and went on to regale us with lots of juicy stories. What a lightweight!!

Alloy Ark's diminuitive singer Dani Appadoo is to apparently be inducted into the Guiness Book Of Records as "world's quietest singer". We rang Guiness Book Of Records pundit Norris McSquirter, who could neither confirm or deny the claim, due to having been dead for many years.. We also rang Dani, but couldn't hear a word she said. Just a high-pitched squeaking; which in hindsight was probably caused by our reporter rocking back and forth on his chair. He does that all the time.. Idiot..

Bearsuit were mistakenly arrested by Customs officers yesterday, at their secret lair in the bowels of Norwich's underground network of tunnels. "False Intelligence" was blamed for the mix-up, which almost led to the band being imprisoned for "illegally importing suits made from bear skins" from Eastern Europe. Customs officers have issued an official statement, apologising to the band, and confirming that it was all a terrible mistake.
In other news, local bands Hello Bear, Bear, Bear Fare, and Alex Carson (head of Barefeet Records) were also arrested for similar crimes, and all remain in custody at the time of going to press..

Fever Fever's drummer, "Smit", has just got through to the finals of this year's "World's Fastest Drummer" competition. He took part in heats in Ipswich and then Norwich, with the final being held at London's "Earl's Court" Exhibition Centre on the 12th of November. We'll be there with our "You Go Smit Smit!" banners! Let's bring the title back to Norwich, eh readers?!

Times have been hard for the members of Norwich band The Great Shakes in the last few months, and they recently all found themselves working together, in the same city centre branch of McDonalds. Ever the optimists, the band only have good things to say about the situation. When asked what their favourite part of the job was, they all replied in unison "the great shakes!".

Norwich bar/cafe "The Bicycle Shop" has just won a presitigious other-worldy accolade. Resident ghost "Jeffrey" has won "Friendly Ghost Of The Month" in "Casper Monthly", the 3rd best-selling ghost-based publication in Europe. Well done Jeffrey!

The RSPCA recently staged a dawn raid on a top secret underground bunker at The Forum (known as "The Curve"), where they found an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters. No charges of animal cruelty were brought, but they did find a stack of scripts which appear to have been used by the "BBC Norfolk Introducing" team for their weekly radio shows..

FACT! The Lost Levels were named after an Eastern Daily Press article about a local building firm who had all their spirit levels stolen. The band was originally called Stolen Spirit Levels, but they had to change their name after being taken to court by the 60s folk-rock band of the same name (no relation).

NR One Records chef/boss, Kingsley Harriet, was this week arrested for "cooking the books". Turns out there's been a simple clerical error, and rather than committing fraud, he was actually cooking up a tasty "paper-based" meal for his popular cooking TV show "Can't Cook, Cos I'm Not A Cook". We caught up with the local "Music Molehill" turned "Celebratory Chef", Ainsley Harris, who was clearly heard shouting "the cheques are in the post", whilst running down the street chasing a fast buck into a pit of despair..

Milly Hirst recently announced the exciting news that she's to embark on a project to play "a gig in Norwich every day" for the next 2 years. But after checking her diary it turns out that she's already been doing that for the last two years, so, back to the drawing board Milly!

Sargasso Trio are about to launch their new range of children's chocolate bars. The first in the range will be called the "Sargasso Trio". The tag-line being "I want a Sargasso Trio, and I want one NOW!".

Norwich teenage indie-popsters We Can't Dance were spotted at the Bo Nanafana night at 70s Cabaret venue "The Talk" recently, having Salsa lessons. The band are apparently changing their name to "We Can Dance A Bit, But It's Not Very Sexy Yet..".

Darwin & The Dinosaur have just received a phonecall from the 90s, wanting their guitar riffs back.

Norwich folk troupe Cakes & Ale are joining forces with famous actor Alan Dale, to open a bakery called Cakes & Dale.

Norwich music scene stalwart Shane O'Linski/O'Connor is really the Earl Of Earlham. He's been posing undercover as a struggling indie genius for the last 25 years, and is really the 17th richest man in Norfolk, between #16, Woody The Bear, and #18, TV's Shane Richie.

Access To Music's Principal, Ian Johnson, was arrested on Friday by the Fraud Squad. It turns out that the building that Access To Music operates in is a "cut and shut", made up from two seperate buildings, both written off after being involved in car accidents.

Local-ish singer/songwriter Raevennan Husbandes has a new door-todoor makeup company, similar to Avon. To avoid copyright issues she's calling it "Raevon". So, if you hear a knock on your door, and a high-pitched cry of "Raevon Calling!", you'll know that quality make-up at low, low, prices is only a footstep away (like Neighbours).

We've recently been in touch with "Guiness Book Of Records" Norris McSquirter, who informs us that Norwich band "Olympians" have made an attempt at the world record for "most pointlessly complicated techy guitar playing". We wish them the best of luck with their attempt. You Go Boys!

Local indie-rock trio Hunt In Packs are being demolished, after a year of crumbling into the sea on the clifftop of North Norfolk village Hunton Paxford.

Influencial 90s Norwich indie band Kaito are re-forming, but without any of the original members, and including members of Norwich bands that they've influenced, including Violet Violet, Fever Fever, and Glory Glory. They're going to be called "Kaito Kaito".

12 noon tomorrow, we kick out The Jam.

Tune in to this blog tomorrow at 12 noon, to read the first of our daily "Norwich Music Rumours" Uncovered!!!

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Oh No They Ditn't!!!